ASK ELLA: Is this my Queen?

I met a young lady last November, exchanged numbers and from that point we talked literally every day via calls and texts. After like a month I noticed a lack of calls .. So I reciprocated the same energy. After 2 weeks of me not calling, she calls like, Wassup? Why you stop calling me? Where u go? type shit . I’m confused but I’m intrigued that’s she’s interested.We started going out on dates, afterwards. Conversation picks up; Deeper and deeper conversations/real shyt: dreams, thoughts, feelings, talking about traumas/goals. Everyday, that goes by my feelings grow for her.

I work for a museum events planning so my time is dumb limited but I’m feeling her . We weren’t spending that much together due to our schedules. Things are pretty much the same for the next few months. She goes get her booty done 😒 in June in DR. Gone for like 3 weeks, comes home with a bad infection — straight to the hospital she goes. 3 weeks in, I’m calling everyday. FaceTime. Making sure she’s good. Being very supportive, calming, reinforcing her that things will get better.

She comes home slowly getting better & I wanted to take her on a treat to dinner to have a great time, take her mind off things. We spent the day together, so we have this candid conversation about anything and everything…

She comes out and says I have bonds with 3 other guys 🤯🤯🤯 That was the first time we were intimate 8 months in 😒😒 She tells me, All these guys mean so much to me but I don’t see them a lot. I see them every now and then.  But you’re always available for them? So that was a conversation that we had — how much access do they have with you? And she was like, Well, whenever I get a chance to see, I see them. It’s just confusing & the biggest thing about it is you’re sexually active with all of them. It’s like what’s going on here… Why you wait till eight months in to have this conversation with me? 

Initially, we started dating —  not just random hookups. It was nothing like that. We was taking steps to be a couple. A relationship. Tryina build something.  That’s the path our conversations was on. It wasn’t a what’s up with you, I wanna come see you type of time. It wasn’t even like that. So now, my feelings is all involved.  Now, you don’t want nothing, right now. You don’t want nothing “serious” right now. But we built. We were building something serious. But you don’t want nothing serious? 

All this happened last month. We kinda pressed the brakes on a lot of stuff.  I stopped being available, too. She’s like, I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want you to go anywhere. I miss our friendship. She just texted me this the other day. I’m just really like… pissed off about it, actually. I can’t. You just want to be friends at this point. I can’t be friends if I had these feelings for you.  

She’s like, the reason I don’t wanna relationship is not because of them, it’s because I’m not ready to be committed or be in a relationship. I been single for three years and I like my life and how it is. I just don’t want to jump into that and I end up hurting you. I’m shaking my head at her this whole time like… yo.  You took money from me. You took gifts from me. You took that knowing that you had no purpose of being with me.  

I really like this girl but as of lately, I don’t answer her calls. She FaceTimed last week and I didn’t pick up. She text me, Now, you don’t take my FaceTime.  I’m just ready to move on. It’s not fair. You want me to fill these voids of what these other guys don’t give you. I’m not gonna be on pause for you to figure out what you wanna do with your life. Meanwhile, having a great time. Nah. I’m not gonna be filling no voids from anyone. I put myself first. But… my feelings… they haven’t died. Maybe, I  just stay away from her.  

This what I wanted to ask you —  your point of view & what kind of direction I should go in?  Is it worth staying or worth giving her a chance?   

Thank you for listening,

Confused King

Know your worth, King

My first recommendation is to decide at which point you want to actually start listening to yourself. 

If no one will tell you, let me be the first to explain the issue: Her price went up.  It ain’t hard to tell by the way you were “intrigued” (after each time she kept falling off the radar) that Miss Thang was already something to look at before she got her surgery. When women make serious cosmetic changes to themselves, it’s practically an investment and she intends to see return on it. I understand, sis 🤷🏽‍♀️ Her desire to hold out for the highest bidder is not a reflection of you, rather her caring for herself. Sometimes, we learn to put ourselves first by experiencing someone doing it to us… We all have our own methods of dating & self-care. 

Tell the truth: you knew it was shaky from the start, didn’t you?  👀 😂 Perhaps when someone plays hard to get, we feel like they “aren’t easy” or that we “earned” whatever interaction we have with them. Time, in relationships, can often be used as currency for supply and demand. EVE said it: I disappear for a day or two to test his loyal ground. I keep my dogs o a short leash, controlling the growl. When someone who claims they don’t have time for us makes time… we feel honored.

Another thing that happen is that when you unconsciously think a person is “out of your league” you let them play with you however/whenever they want because you think you don’t even deserve to be here. Speaking from the POV of someone who used to swipe right for dinner like it was my day job — Sometimes, you’re not truly interested in liking someone… Sometimes, you’re bored. Sometimes, you just want someone to call. Sometimes, you’re more concerned with them liking you than to truly care that you don’t like them the same way. When I was single, I used to play a game where I’d text all the guys I was having conversation with and I’d go with the one who responded first because I felt like he must like me most 🤷🏽‍♀️ Sometimes, it’s easier to gauge if someone really likes you… if you leave them alone and they come back when you call. Don’t get it confused — playing games in dating is common… but “common” doesn’t make it any less toxic. 

It took me a while to realize that some people don’t like you for you, they like that you like them. Some people don’t want to be your friend; they want you to be their friend more than they care about being your friend. Really, it just turns into an underhanded attempt at ownership, in my POV. I once met this guy on Tinder who plays professional basketball overseas. In conversation, he would answer my questions, but rarely ask me about myself. He would be “too busy” to make a date and it was going absolutely no where. Eventually the texting stopped until a few months later when he saw a picture of me on Instagram… by that time, I had a boyfriend. When I responded and told him that, he invited me out for ice cream & that was the first time he invited me ANYWHERE. What I realized was that he just wanted my attention. Some people are satisfied by knowing someone is willing to waste time on them. Are you willing to waste your time?

It’s worth taking a moment to step back an assess how YOU were treated. Throughout the message, you told me of all the ways you were good to her… how was she good to you? I’ve heard so often from men that what they rarely get from women is conversation. I know that beautiful women can have the world handed to them, if they know how to have the right conversation. What did you get out of the relationship/friendship/situationship beside conversation? Were you REALLY being treated well? Is this REALLY worth chasing? You sound like a giver, and as a giver, you may not need to receive, but you deserve it. I feel like we lie to ourselves, forcing ourselves to make exceptions & align with what the world might applaud. Women date rich men who cheat. Men date hot girls who won’t commit to them. We might think that in order to get something “so good” we have to deal with things we don’t like… but should you?

If you went back, what would change? How would it change? Would you have to change, or would she? If you decide to go back to her, it doesn’t sound to me like her position will change, but you’d have to learn to be ok with the option she offered. I think the most foolish thing you can do is go back any expect anything different. I actually applaud her for being honest (eventually). Given the most benefit of doubt, maybe this is simply who she is and the lifestyle she prefers to live. You asked why she would 8 months to tell you? It sounds like she might not have felt obligated to tell you until she was intimate with you. I ask you, why would you go 8 months without having a conversation about intentions? You called your conversations “deep” — did you ever discuss exclusivity? Monogamy? Perhaps she’s polyamorous and doesn’t even know it. Would you be open to an open or poly relationship?

Ultimately, my recommendation is to let it go. You were upset enough to ask me about it and I don’t think you should ignore you initial feelings 🤷🏽‍♀️ It’s ok to acknowledge your sadness or disappointment. I think we often except men to be unphased by things like this but you’re human, too. 🖤 Take some time to confirm what it is you actually want in a partner and in a relationship so that you can express that confidently and clearly in you continue dating in the future. This world changes by the day and people are into a lot of different things. If you feel you are looking to date seriously, exclusively, monogamously… I think you should have conversations about that sooner rather than later. Yes, you may scare some people away — but I think you SHOULD try to scare off those people who aren’t expecting the same things of the relationship as you are.

If you’re waiting for “the one” just know it’ll be lonely (& perhaps painful) until you cross paths. In order to find “the one” everything else has to fail. Don’t get discouraged by this experience. If you’re just dating and seeing where life takes you… just keep living and learning. If you are serious about pursuing a an exclusive relationship finding someone to build with someone, sit down and make a list of what a person needs to bring to the table; not just physical or material but emotionally. How do you want that person to make you feel? About yourself? About the world? About the future?Some of the things on my list are: supportive of my art, patient with my attitude, encouraging of my journeys. I know we define a “good man” as someone who will do anything for his woman, but you can’t care for anyone if you don’t care about yourself first. You mentioned building and I believe building requires partnership. Reciprocity is key. You deserve to be loved the way you give love. Take some time to reflect and grow: when you meet the right person, it’ll be a benefit for both of you if you have an understanding what you need and learn how to ask for it up front. Closed mouths don’t get fed. Know your worth, King.

Truthfully,

Ella

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