Everyone wants to be wanted and needs to be needed. I’ve never needed anyone to complete me and I think that’s caused [the weak] men I’ve dated to feel like I don’t need them and, therefore, emasculated. I don’t need anyone to pay my bills or buy me clothes but I can’t lie… it would be nice 👀. If I needed completion, I’d need someone to give me things I can’t do myself.
What I prefer is a compliment; unexpected additions to my life that somehow make it better than I imagined. Sometimes, you don’t know what you’re looking for until it’s given to you. Sometimes, there is just something missing or “off” and it’s difficult, if not impossible to pinpoint exactly why this relationship isn’t working. While I knew I wanted to be supported in my dreams, I didn’t understand how or how much. People love to talk that “my other half” and “50/50” talk but, to me, that just sounds like I’m missing something. Am I missing half of me? Would I only be half of myself without another person?
In the midst of one of our ugliest break up arguments, my ex (read about the break up here) decided to tell me a few things about myself:
No matter what u say or how you feel, your music trash and you have no rhythm. And u bought a few random things with all the money you could spend on your credit card and you still have no style.
Wack ass bitch, I was the best you ever had
And you’ll never get over that.
The only niggas that talk to you just wanna fuck you
Apparently music sucks, my fashion sucks and no one will ever love me. I shouldn’t have let it get to me but it stuck in my head because I think it hits harder for me to digest bullshit. I don’t like to be lied to. I also don’t like to be lied on. Or maybe it was the truth? I always felt like if someone doesn’t like my music, they don’t like me. It’s my art. It’s who I am. Same goes for my style — If you don’t like how someone dresses, it can be a bigger problem than you let on. Stereotypically, we see this when women decide to upgrade their men and buy him things he would never wear. But he never bought me clothes 🤔… was what went through my head when I read that 😂 How can you spend 3 years in a relationship with someone you think is wack? I don’t think he’s wack, I think he’s a shitty person and poor parent. Very different 🤷🏽♀️🤣
Eventually, I realized that he was threatened by me in every single way. I had personality (and credit 😅) while he was still struggling to find himself and stability in his life. I had told him that I felt like a trophy for him; it was as if he got me and put me on a shelf to collect dust. We’d literally had discussions about how he would never compliment me on my outfit or… anything. He’d once told me I dress “weird” during an argument, but I had brushed it off. He worked in the music industry but never shared my music. He filmed and edited videos but never helped me with any content. I’d gone out of my way to buy us (including his son) matching, white Converses (and if you know, they’re hard to find cuz they sell out so quick in the summer) but he’s never purchased me anything to wear. Usually he’d get mad because I told him he should put in more effort than just giving me the free t-shirts they handed out at his work events. I realized that maybe he never really liked me. Maybe he had just been with me because he recognized my worth, but didn’t understand it. Having me as a girlfriend made him look better, I upgraded his life but he had absolutely nothing to offer me. The credit card comment is what really made me realize it; this is a grown man with a child who can’t qualify for a credit card and doesn’t understand credit nor the benefits it had afforded us. In order to have a working credit card, you have to be able to pay it off (dummy)… he talked about my credit card is if it were my parents, but in reality, I was his parent — that credit is what paid for our flights to Jamaica and his first trip to Europe.
As an artist, it’s a magical occurrence anytime anyone knows the words to your songs. When your partner not only supports, but enjoys what you do, that shit hits different. My new boyfriend (the ultimate upgrade) knows the words to my songs. I’ve never felt more motivated to create than I do today. I didn’t realize how much it mattered to me that the person I’m dating acknowledge and support my art. I thought that I didn’t need my partner to pay attention. I figured that I could keep both lives separate. I thought it didn’t matter that he didn’t show up to my shows or offer to go to open mics with me. He never asked me if I has written anything new or asked to hear my new projects. I got upset when he flaked on coming to my shows but I didn’t acknowledge how much it hurt me. I didn’t need him to be there, but I wanted him to be.
Each time we had the “what’s going on with us” conversation and I tried to explain what I was “looking for,” I only ended up more confused and the rift between us only grew larger. Wanting to spend time with him translated into me being clingy (Read “Are you clingy?”). Wanting to be complimented on my outfits turned into me being needy. I didn’t realize how much it meant to be called beautiful or to be told “I love you” for no reason at all. I had no idea having someone help me fold laundry, do the dishes and take out the trash would be such a turn on.
Some people are so focused on what you’re bringing to their table, they forget to bring something of their own. Or the simply try to offer the same thing you’ve already provided. No one has ever helped me pay rent and I don’t need them to — but I hate doing dishes. If someone already has something and/or can do something for themselves, I recommend you do something different. Figure out how to support them in that (consistently). Support is major; just asking questions and checking in on how they are doing can make a huge difference. A hand clap from the right person goes a long way.
While people want to feel wanted, dependency is a slippery slope. It’s a huge compliment when someone “needs” you, but it can also be quite a burden. In this day & age of needing to post every gift we get on our social media pages, “what have you done for em lately” has really blown up into the world of designer labels and first class flights. Look, if that’s something you can do for someone else, more power to you. But if you can’t do it for someone else, how do you expect that from someone else? I recall a friendly (possibly tipsy) conversation I had with a few girlfriends where the “can you pay my bills?” jokes started flowing and I asked “Could you pay his bills?” and then the conversation went silent. I think it’s also important to ensure that you’re a compliment to someone as well, not just a bill. It’s one thing for a woman to cook for her man, it’s another for you to make his favorite meal perfectly timed so that it’s still hot when he gets home after a long day of work.
I’ve always gone out of my way for my partner, but now I finally feel appreciated. I’m the type of person who treats people the way I want to be treated and as kind as that sounds, I certainly do expect reciprocity. Relationships get difficult when one person thinks the other is “keeping score” or someone is just trying to keep up. You might not be equally yolked 👀 Unfortunately, it takes failure for some of us to learn, myself included. What I’ve wanted is to be able to love without fear. I want to be able to give without worrying if I’m ever going to get. I want to live without worry. I want to be appreciated and recognized… and I want to make him feel the same… I am complete, I simply want my compliment.
EllaThought 