How many times are you supposed to forgive someone you love? God says as many times as they hurt you, but your bff’s answer is “Never”. But if you’ve ever actually been in a relationship, you know the answer is, “As many times as I damned well please” 💁🏽♀️ With this last break up, I learned the hard way to stop looking to friends for comfort, especially if you don’t want advice. In venting, I felt like I had learned the judgments my friend (seemed to have) made of me, and that caused me to reflect on my situation… and actively rectify how others view me. So, instead of continuing to have conversation with other people, I had to decide for myself: should I get back with my ex? 🙈🙉🙊
The same way we begin to decide what we truly want, we also start understanding what we don’t want & what we’re willing to deal with. The same way you might “need” different things from a man, you might also not need particular things 🤷🏽♀️. Some people forgive infidelity, others won’t. Some people need financial assistance, others don’t. I‘m not one of those girls who will date a rich cheating guy just because he buys me things. My problem is that I‘d choose the broke gentleman before I entertain the rude baller.
I know some women who judge men solely on where they work and how much money they make. “You’re not going to get back with him, right?” My homegirl practically confronted me, out of nowhere. We were at a gathering with a bunch of friends and strangers and I couldnt figure out why she wanted to talk about my relationship at that exact moment. More confusing to me, tho, was how angry she was. I hadn’t truly spoken to anyone about this break up and had officially initiated a full glow up. Not only was I getting tons of dates on apps, but I had embarked on a “celibate summer” — in short, I was lit AF. Part of me wondered if she wanted me to talk to her about it, to make her feel important in my life or… if she was truly judging me when she said that “you can’t be the person you claim to be and date a guys like that.” Guy like what? I wondered to myself. “So he’s not a fuck boy?” She pressed on and all I could think was, “what the fuck did I tell this girl?”
At that moment, it was a month and a half since my break up & here was my homegirl, in front of strangers, telling me I date a fuck boy. The embarrassment alone is enough to pull you under. At times like these, I tyically counter attack, but I was lost for an argument because… I started judging her & really didn’t want to say anything that was coming to mind 😓 I’m a strong believer in that you shouldn’t take advice from anyone who you don’t want to emulate. As I played all my responses in my head (What do you know? What gives you the right to judge? What about you? Can you do better?), I realized that I actually never wanted advice; I wanted a listening ear, just to get things off my chest.
Unfortunately, I was venting to someone who didn’t understand my position enough to give me the responses I wanted. I learned a while ago that I don’t like negative girlfriends. You know, the “nah, fuck that nigga” type? It can sometimes feel like those kinds of girlfriends prefer for you to be single. It’s tough to “stay out” of a friend’s business when they’re venting to you, but it’s important to recognize that we ALL tell one-sided stories about our relationships. “I was shitty to him, too,” I explained to her but it genuinely did not register, she told me later. “It doesn’t matter what you did,” she explained & I fell out 🤣 Sometimes, we are so protective of our friends that we react stronger to their lives than we do our own. We sometimes fight harder for our friends than we do for ourselves. Still, it’s important to understand that we each have to experience life for ourselves & we all have make our own decisions, at the end of the day. “There was that time he didn’t introduce you as an artist… I felt like you should be with someone who supports you,” she had attempted to explain, bringing up one instance months ago where I had been upset at him. Silently, I thought about how I had a show the night before and no one (including her) had shown up. “So is he a fuckboy or nah?” She pressed me. “No. We were in a relationship. He did fucked up things and so did I. You’re upset about one day in my relationship, what we broke up over is about more than 1 random day when I was upset. Whatever you’re focused on in MY relationship is miniscule.”
A week after she called him a “fuck boy” he called me back with all the appropriate apologies and follow up action items, including a trip to Jamaica. Not that I need to be flown out, but it was as if my friends/the world had put him to the test to prove he was no fuck boy and, unknowingly, he was passing every test.
For 2 months, my friend didn’t reached out to me again with her “concern” or for anything else, for that matter. She never called me or invited me out, or provided any sort of relief or distraction from thinking of my breakup. While my reformed fuck boy re-earned his stripes, I realized I had reached a new milestone in my life: I decided that everyone is required to treat me great, everyone who loves me is required to be present and caring. I realized I had been the one reaching out to my friend to meet up for dinner or go out on the weekends. I can no longer put effort/energy into anyone or anything that is not doing the same for me.
Whether romantic or platonic, It’s important to set boundaries as to what you are and are not willing to do or put up with. When we allow different people to treat us differently because of a position we have assigned them, we are doing ourselves a disservice. Every relationship should benefit both parties involved. Both parties should feel valued and appreciated but, understandably, must take the time to value and appreciate our own selves. Relationships worth keeping aren’t those which are perfect, they are those in which you are getting out what you put in & in which both parties value enough to put in active effort. Being a good friend should get you a good friend. Being a loyal lover should get you loyal love. We can each sit around and judge the relationship of the next person — relationships are much easier looking from the outside in.
Frankly, I’m happy I’m getting this comfortable making my own decisions. It’s tough to live up to an instagram relationship. Its tough for me, personally, to solidify my expectations since I come from a single parent household. I don’t really know how much arguing is customary in a “good” relationship. Don’t all couples fight? How about friends? Taking an ex-friend back can be tougher than taking back an ex-lover. I decided that my friend was going to have to show the same effort she was claiming I deserved & eventually, we met up for margaritas. It was one of the toughest conversations I’ve ever had, but if you value a relationship, you put in the effort to keep it. Sometimes, that relationship might need to change a bit, but love is respecting whatever that relationship evolves into.
So… go ahead and take your man back, boo. Or don’t. It’s really on you.
-Ella
These are just my thoughts… just what I was feeling at the time.
EllaThought 