Written by PresidentELLA
I’m not perfect because I’m petty. “Petty” is uncapping the syrup bottle and doing pirouettes in the kitchen because he thinks he can get get rid of you easy and you think to yourself, “Nah, playboy. Dealing with me is a sticky situation.” I don’t know if the syrup was worse than the egging but I do know that he should have never done whatever it was he did (because you know I already forgot what it was). Really… I was just angry… at everything. I was largely at fault. I know I love him most because he’s treated me with respect through it all. (& I apologized, y’all. I’ll give you some tricks, someday. lol) I finally found someone who loves me more than I love him. It sounds terrible to say/write but I’ve loved way too hard and I deserve it back for a change. I don’t mean to say I don’t or won’t love him as much as he loves me, but I’m broken and I know it. I need affection more than the average. I need someone who loves me enough to deal with the residual bullshit these fuck-boys have left me with and help me heal. I need someone to show me better.
No one wants to deal with “baggage”, but you have to if you want to get anywhere with anything worth having. I didn’t start seeing how much my anger, fear and pain were affecting my relationship until I wanted to. (I swear Trump can’t build a wall a like a woman’s memories.) Over the past 10 months, I’ve learned that (as great as I think I am) I have things I need to work on. But I need someone to motivate me to be better; for me be better you need to be better. When someone treats you CORRECTLY, you act correctly because 1) that person has made you feel like you can be better and 2) you wouldn’t want to disappoint that person. Hurt and disappointment are too different feelings. You can hurt someones feelings and it might not change how they feel about you over all. If you disappoint a person, they begin to doubt your character. He treats me so great, that I want to be great for him.
I am not as patient as I try to be. I actually only deal with what I want to deal with. If I’m not getting what I want, I’ll eventually say “fuck it” and go cold turkey. I used to feel bad about ending relationships quickly… but I only “deal” for as long as it takes me to find a way out. In life, I only want to do what I love and it better love me back. For example, when I picked my college major, I decided that I would pick whatever I was best at. I saw where my A’s were, and decided that was my path. People say that relationships are hard work, and I agree… but some shit shouldn’t be so hard. I don’t want to be in a relationship where we fight and argue every day. I prefer being with someone who tries to have a fun and peaceful time with me. There’s a certain level of fighting one should deal with in any relationship, whether romantic or platonic. When abuse gets physical, you should no longer deal with it. That’s easier said than done, but I’ve said and done it.) When the relationship starts affecting how you see yourself and the progress you are making in your own life, time to call it quits.
I’ve been fighting to be a priority in his life because successful men have no time. Our arguments have been about building, or our lack thereof. I’ve already told you all that I’m admittedly clingy, so it is what it is. I need to be involved in his whole life if we’re going to build a life; I’ve been victim to too many secrets. When I bring pie and cookies to Thanksgiving dinner, I know he’s thankful. But he drove 2 hours to my grandmother’s house and brought 3 bottles of wine; everyone was very thankful. I’m getting old y’all and I really don’t have time to play. I’m from the school of fuck-his-shit-up — but I don’t want to be and I don’t want anyone who gives me reason to be. I want to be pleased with the way my partner and I interact with other. I’m sick and tired of calling my homegirls on the phone with some bullshit.
I’m thankful for moving past petty. I hope I’ve gotten it all out of my system and I hope you can get it out of yours. It really is tiring to be so upset and having to find diabolical ways to make a man understand he shouldn’t upset me. I have to give credit where it is due though and recognize that that’s the power of someone treating you CORRECTLY. I try to impress him. I want to keep him happy and interested and proud — that helps me be a better me. I finally understand that everything I was asking for, I deserved. I’m embarrassed that it took me so many mistakes but… we lost my dad and my big brother. For those of us who don’t have the greatest examples of men or couple, or no examples at all, it takes a while to not only learn what you deserve, but believe that you deserve it as well.
So I guess I’m writing this to say, believe it baby, girl. You’re everything you know you are. You just gotta hold on and give yourself time to get there.
[These are just ella thoughts. Whatever ella feeling at the time.]