Photo by JT Gaze
Written by PresidentELLA
“You have anger issues,” he likes to tell me. But.. No, I’m just not happy as I should be.
I don’t know if it’s over. As of this minute, it is, but you know how arguments go. Thing is, I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me. I suppose I’m at that point where I’m letting a dog roam. He’ll soon learn that I’m off limits once he’s walked out of my door because I don’t take in strays. He’s gotten upset at me before, for being able to get so cold and cut off my love. But, after my last “relationship” I’ve learned that no relationship matters enough to lose my happiness. The person I’m with should be making a conscious effort to make my day great because I try to do that for him. I want a relationship where I’m actively happy. Not one where I’m so unhappy but staying silent and locking myself in a room because I can’t be around people or on social media without mentioning how shitty I actually feel.
“Are you coming through?” he likes to ask me, but it’s never a true invite. I have to ask him if he misses me and “Do you want me to come over?” to which he replies, “if you want.” I hate to have to write this out, but… a girl just wants to hear, “I miss you, come over.” But he’s alwys exhausted. As I write this out, it’s helping me see that this definitely is what it is. The problem is… he never really knew me and he never really wanted this. I, on the other hand, want to be in a relationship. He was just chillin. He never meant to want me…it just happened that way. There were things about me he didn’t know if he could get passed and he stayed quiet. (It’s tough dating a female rapper.) The one thing I promised myself I’d never deal with again, I let slide that very first night. (It’s tough dating someone with a child from a previous relationship). What I let slide still isn’t an issue, but we’re now feeling the truth of his omissions and detachment now.
We break up. More often than I’d like to but… we make up, too. Breaking up is easy, it’s deciding to go for it again that’s tough.How do you know you won’t have the same argument again? How do you know anything will change? We he tries to make up, we make up because I acknowledge that he’s willing to make up. If I try to make up, he doesn’t want to be touched or spoken too and I’m “sweeping it under the rug”.
Sometimes, people fall in love with an image of you; who they think you could be or who they want you to be. I’m 5’2, 120lbs and I smile real nice. I don’t party much, I’m an artist, I have a college degree, a job with benefits, a car & an apartment of my own. But I never said I don’t bite. I won’t be silent to make anyone comfortable. I won’t let anyone ignore me or convince me that mediocre is the best I can get; just because you don’t feel like putting in the effort doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the effort. When two adults with jobs get together, it’s difficult to find time unless you want to find time. So, when he doesn’t try to find time, I have to acknowledge that he doesn’t want to. Everyone does exactly what they want to do.
Maybe I’ve made it much too easy; that’s my fault. He no longer had to come see me, or take me out, or call me beautiful, or text me during the day or make me feel special. I was there regardless. I came over, and called him and tried to make him feel special. I gave myself to him before he gave himself to me. I made myself the wife of a single man. That is the biggest mistake I make.
I’m really not a big fan of words; I LOVE actions. I detest apologies, especially in the form of flowers because I want my flowers to be for celebrations and beautiful memories, not for apologies and a reminder of what we tried to cover up. It sometimes feels like I can’t get anything out of a guy unless it’s an argument. I’ve been told “don’t trip”, “don’t yell”, “it’s not a big deal”…but it’s really just not a big deal to him. My feelings are real. If you feel a way in a relationship, your partner is making you feel that way. If you feel insecure, your partner could make you feel more confident. Your partner can make you feel happy, appreciated, loved and valued. If you’re not feeling those things, it’s your partner’s fault. You should be able to ask for those things without offending them.
I hate that regular shit isn’t a big deal to him… It’s not a big deal for me to work a full-time job, work a part-time job, have a hustle, a hobby and a dog to walk… and then I still get on the bus at 11pm to go to his place because he’s always too tired to come see me. It’s not a big deal to him because I “don’t have to” go to his place; apparently, since I choose to come, the fact that it’s uncomfortable for me is my problem. It’s not a big deal for me to clean his and my house every in a weekend because I “don’t have to”… but if he cleans his bedroom and the hallway, he’s exhausted and can’t can only get out of his bed if friends call. His first set of roommates fried a whole lot of chicken and never wiped the stove down. After the first time I spent an hour cleaning the kitchen and scrubbing the grease from the stove and the walls, he asked me to do something else for him.
“I’m tired. I just finished cleaning the kitchen,” I said.
“That’s not hard,” he responded.
“It’s not hard? I guess that’s why you did it yourself? I’m not cleaning anything the fuck else.” I clapped back. And I guess he’s correct, because now he just replaces the aluminum covers I put on the stove and he calls it cleaned. I suppose when you make everything easy, it is easy. The little things feel way too big to me. They make me consider how the little shit will turn into HUGE shit. It’s the little things that act as mini alarms to alert of fuck shit taking place… we just ignore them because they are so little. Then we sit and reminisce about how we “should’ve known”. When we’re middle age and I don’t feel beautiful anymore and he stopped making me feel wanted years ago… how can I ask him to change, if I let it go on for so long?
So, I get angry because of my feelings, almost immediately. When I feel neglected, unappreciated and undervalued, I will raise hell until it’s heaven. I don’t care what bill you have helped me with or where we went out to for dinner. That doesn’t earn you the right to treat me like a nobody. Yes, you need to keep doing those things you were doing consistently, and if you can’t you need to make up in other ways. That’s the shit that should come with the relationship; time and effort. I don’t complain about him helping me with cash when I need it nor do I brag about it because he’s supposed to do that for me, and if he needs it, I’ll do that for him. Only thing is I get weary about helping him because he’s only low due to helping everyone else… and I didn’t sign up to help everyone else. Still, I do my part for him. I do not do it for the tribe, not yet. We have to remember I’m no one’s mother, so I don’t have those feelings; I’m under no obligation to do anything for any one. But imagine if I had come into a relationship with him saying, “I don’t cook and I don’t clean”. Some shit is to be expected. I don’t just want a man. I want a partner.
I don’t care who knows what. I speak generally on Facebook & twitter. I just deleted the only picture I had up of us on Instagram. He changed his bio to “single dad” because he apparently can’t be “proud” dad or just a “dad” or as if they couldn’t tell he has a son by his pictures… ormaybe someone needed an explanation of something all of a sudden. I know he gets upset at what I make public, but I get upset at what he keeps private. I don’t know if he reads my blog, and I don’t think he does. He’s never spoken about reading any of it and has never complimented me on the content. IF he did read my blog (I’ve been doing this since 2010), he would know almost everything about me. He would know that I worth it and treat me that way.
I’ve learned to be honest with my feelings, whether they are right or wrong. If you’re feeling unhappy, I think you have to really acknowledge what is make you unhappy. Unfortunately, we try to blame it on everything but the cause sometimes. I know I make him unhappy too, because we go around in this circle; he acts dismissive so I get an attitude. Then, because I have an attitude, he gets more dismissive. The more dismissive he gets. the more I clap back. And this is where we are. I’ve been trying to find solutions, but the only thing I could revert to is that which truly helps me.
I can’t be anyone other than I am. I can’t allow anyone to treat me other than how I deserve just because they are going through it. I want to be a kinder person, but I need more consideration because I am particular about what I want. And what I want is someone who wants me. I’m tired of trying to prove that I’m worth it. I want someone who makes me feel worth it.
I suppose I should say he makes his efforts. He started texting me during the day. I wish I didn’t have to ask him to. When he doesn’t want to argue with me, he says nothing… sometimes that works… sometimes it comes off as dismissive.
But I did just notice his “single dad” addition to his bio. So I’m single, too.
Just my thoughts… just what I’m feeling at the time.
EllaThought 