Written by @PresidentElla
When you’re fighting a winning battle, you rarely feel the scratches through the blows. While I was with Timothy, and while I waited for our day in court, I tried the hardest I’ve ever tried to be strong. The same way I tried to ignore the bruising around my neck, I tried to ignore the anti-social emotional train wreck I had become.
I had begun feeling like something about ME was terribly fucked up. I couldn’t and wouldn’t eat through the frustration. I weighed 100lbs even. (The lowest I recall weighing was 115 when I started the 8th grade.) I wasn’t feeling or trying to be beautiful because I don’t have any reason to believe I was. If we’re talking rainy days, this is flood levels. Much, much more difficult than giving Tim back to the hood was convincing myself that “fuck niggas” wasn’t the answer.
I feel like I had been under a cloud for months. Miami, Vegas, LA? They were all beautiful but the sunshine could barely thaw me. For brief, intermittent moments, I felt like maybe I was overselling the “he choked me” story. Still, on May 10th, 2017, Timothy plead guilty and the finally shone. So, it’ll be a stain on his record for the rest of his life, just the way it should be.
I want purpose and shit. Love, you know? I was on Vague’s show a while back & I suppose I broke the news that I have a boyfriend. “It’s ok,” he joked. “You can be a rapper and be in a relationship in 2017,” he went on. I be in a relationship though. It’s so difficult to keep a positive attitude when you feel like you’ve been manipulated and taken advantage of. I know my own flaws more closely now, because I embrace them. I’ve had to be honest about the existence of my flaws (a.k.a my wounds) and be realistic about how long it will take to heal. More important though, has been my willingness to be cooperative in my own healing.
Hardest part is not giving up & not giving in. While I refuse to allow my past to cloud my future, it’s hard to stop if from raining on my today’s. I trip. If I don’t like your vibe, I don’t fuck with the entirety of the situation. And I don’t speak; I’ll sit & watch you fuck up, if that’s what you want to do.
Truly accepting oneself is something I believe you have to force. Like success. Respect. And happiness. Those are things you work for, they don’t just come. Sunshine, though, we think is beyond our control. & that’s false, cuz it’s sunny somewhere. As much of a “textbook” person as people say I am (I just try to learn & plan as much as I can and I fear no book), I believe that the best things as the supposedly impossible but totally plausible. Like love. And fame. And happiness.
Happiness is the only thing that doesn’t give a fuck about you and what you want to do — unless you want to be happy. If you don’t respect someone, you won’t get respect. If you aren’t driven, you probably won’t attract success. If you do not love, you will not be loved. But happiness… If you choose not to be happy, the world will continue being happy without you. (They’re partying in Vegas right now.) Rain or shine.
I’m learning to be happy, sometimes in difficult ways. But I want happy, so I’m sure I will be. Now more than anything else, I want happy because I’ve loved on some very, very unhappy days. Rainy days ain’t got nothin on me. I take them for all they’re worth. I get the laundry done and schedule a few posts. Or try to figure out these analytics. Or get some work done, or maybe I don’t. Do my hair, do my nails. Netflix & face mask. Crockpot & chill. Laid up with my boo or my book or both. Whether it’s #SundayFunday or #MusicMonday. Happy is the only thing I’m fuckin with, #factually #RainOrShine. Oh. And I wear florals or bright colors; if there’s no sunshine, there’s still me, baby.
And for my own sanity I can’t send you an adverse message. If not for you, then (YES) for me: I prefer to emit a positive vibe if ever I can funnel it. & if I have nothing good to say, (that’s right) I try to say nothing at all. My apologies for the delays on the posts, but I’m hoping you enjoy anyways.💋