Written by PresidentELLA
I don’t think he has a girlfriend. Or children. But he could be lying, right? They’ve lied before. Or… maybe he hasn’t told me because I haven’t asked… it’s even more disgusting when they think they’ve saved some grace for admitting they’re cheaters… they’ve done that before, too. I once had a “friend” who told me to “ride it until the wheels fall off” and that’s some of the worst advise I’ve gotten. If you see that a tire on your car is low, you fill it up with air immediately; you don’t ride on it until it falls off. I’m trying to address all problems head on, even if it hurts feelings… and even if the feelings hurt are mine.
“Feelings matter,” says Kanye West (watch “Radio, Fuck You”), and I can’t help but to agree. Still, just like I recommended for him, I’m trying to balance my feelings with those of the world. I’ve been turning down “opportunities”, lately. I don’t want to be involved in anything or with anyone who isn’t doing it for the love or at least with love. I can’t be company to the misery of anymore and I can’t be a cash cow for promoters or anyone who sees me as profitable. I’ve had to quietly decline shows and freindships because the situation just isn’t what I need it to be. When someone says they like my music and want to see me perform, I assume they want to see me perform. When they tell me I have to sell X amount of tickets, I realize that the performance they’re hoping for is for me to pay their bills. When a friend expects me to “accept” their mistakes because “no one is perfect,” I now understand that that person doesn’t have the desire to reach perfection. Anyone who believes that perfect is impossible, or that I should accept them for who they are, is pulling me down into their own negativity. I believe in perfect even if I’m not there yet.
I still believe in love, too. I think the most difficult feelings to balance are the desires to the wealthy and the desire to be loved. Some people can genuinely do without much material wealth… but if “you grew up with holes in your zapatos…” you’d definitely want some more dough. I think we all know that money doesn’t fix everything, especially not your soul. You can’t purchase character, but you can purchase a costume and pretend to be a good, kind or successful person. I’ve met businesswomen who can’t wait until 6pm to “unwind” with a vodka-something. I’ve met business men who drive German vehicles and [or because they] live in subsidized housing. Luckily, we haven’t had too many priests (in the news for) touching children lately. I don’t know everything, but I do know that, eventually, the truth finds its way to the light.
When I meet people, I allow them to be who they are, but I’ve know suffered enough bumps in the road to know that it takes time to understand. We put on our prettiest faces when we meet people — I am not exempt. I don’t know if being 1000% me is the right move to make in the beginning, I try to ease into who I am for a person, because I know that I’m a lot to handle… but I don’t lie. Some folks lie. Some folks want so badly to be better than they are, that they’ll use a new relationship to feel better. For a moment, you’ll act better, but you’ll go back to being who you are. I do a little bit of acting and the director I work with is a tough cookie, I know that but I’ve worked with him for 5 years now. I know that he might get frustrated because he is passionate. I understand that that’s who he is while someone else might judge who he is. When I began shooting with him, I heard the complaints about him, but I realized that just like “not everything is for everybody,” the same applies to people — not everyone is for everybody. This director and I, we are made for each other. He writes, shoots and edits all of his own work, and because I know that, I try to help him out on set. I work, make music and do a bit of acting on the side; because he knows that, he gives me quick, easy lines and makes the shoot dates on the weekend. In the film we’re working on now, “Xiomara”, I know when he’s written something specifically with me in mind… After the scene in the video above, she’s went off to Paris and became a singer, obviously. When people have you in mind, they keep you in mind. Even if they aren’t who you want/desire them to be all the time, the people who care for you never waver in their consideration for you. The relationships between individuals need to be considered between those individuals. There are serial killers who would never harm their family — it’s all about who you are in that person’s mind.
I’m tired of giving people second chances, because that means you have to wait until the third time to cut them off. Once is a mistake, twice is carelessness and in that carelessness is truth. I think that we should be that strict with ourselves so that we expect the best of ourselves and of others. We shouldn’t accept to be treated poorly at all. We need to register how we are being treated and act accordingly. Jesus says we should forgive “seventy times seven” times (Matthew 18:21), so I forgive, but I don’t continue to engage, I don’t believe I have to. The same book also taught me to “leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19). So I just leave room…
“There’s just something… something in the room,” she excused her nerves. I try to say hi to her when I see her, but she plays famous so I ignore her for a little bit. I don’t kiss anyone’s ass under any circumstances and that’s a tough pill for people to swallow. We were taping a cypher and she was trying to get the intro right, but it’s for these exact times I wrote my rhyme, “when I come around bitches stress,” in What they Mad For because there are people out there who can get shook up simply by the presence of another strong soul. I recognize Queens when I see them, but they’re typically across the colosseum. My mother says that envy is the realest emotion, there’s nothing like it. I walk in every room with head held high, not because I’m better, but because I want to be. Because I love myself. There are people who don’t walk into rooms like that. There are girls who, when you try to go out with them, spend the first 30 minutes complaining about their hair or their outfit — that’s your problem. Low self-esteem is loud. To me bad stage presence stands out more than the great ones.
The feeling of failure is so much stronger than that of success; I think the feeling of failure lasts longer. That’s why I pay attention to bad feelings; I haven’t had much success trying to block out the bad by focusing on the good. Ignorance is bliss until you wake up. I’m getting better at believing who people are the first time they show me. I’m also addressing people for who I know they are. I have no fear (definitely on my Kanye) because I have nothing to lose. That’s why I go to work everyday — so that it doesn’t matter if I don’t get called for a show. I have the patience to save up the money to host a show where I can have more than 10 minutes. I’d prefer to work/be with people who need nothing of me, than to pay for attention. I’d rather surround myself with people who love me. So when people show me who they are or how they feel, I acknowledge it. I have no need for extras. My life is certainly a movie, but I’m the only character that needs to be in it.
When people show me who they are, I remind them of who I am. I like the truth, even and especially if it’s about me. That’s why I put my truths out here. I don’t want pity, but I’ll accept your judgement. I might not be your cup of tea or your shot of whiskey. It takes time to see who people are and understand their truths. It also takes me some time to come clean and expose every bit of myself. Some people have shown me who they are, and I address every situation accordingly, in time. (“I keep my circle straight, keep my eyes on my figures. Cash my checks & be about my business” – Me in a song I haven’t recorded yet.) I can’t expect to know anyone, while I’m still trying to grow myself. What I’ve learned is to continue to take my time to pick out the weeds and tread carefully. There are always snakes in the grass, but not all of them will do you harm. At some point you have to realize that, if you were hanging with a snake, a part of you is one too, you just might not be the same kind. I think we’re all snakes, when it comes time.
Just my thoughts… whatever I’m feeling at the time.
EllaThought 