Admitting my Fear of Love


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Written by Ella

     “Do you love him?” she asked. She’s a great singer… but she had no place to staythat night and I offered her my couch. I don’t know why but my heart is the biggest thing in my 5’2 body, but I always abide by it.  On the ride to Brooklyn, we talked a little bit about love and… mine always veers towards Lawrence.

       “Yea…” I replied. She heard the hesitation, but I didn’t want her to misinterpret it. But she’s bright, that’s why we get along. She followed up with the question I wondered myself, and I didn’t even know I had the answer to it.

       “Aren’t you scared to love?”

        “I think… when you’re not scared anymore… that’s how you know it’s love forreal,” I answered, surprising my damned self.

       I’m not afraid of love. I’m more afraid to miss out on it. I don’t think I’m alone in that, that’s why we end up giving ourselves to people who don’t deserve us, hoping they’ll love us in return. I think the fear comes in not being able to gauge someone’s commitment to you, because a lot of us (myself included) have a tough time understanding what love looks like. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard the “every couple fights” debate and people insinuating that you have to go through the worst in order to know if it’s “real”. But sometimes, a person is simply a shitty person. But the person who loves you will always  love you back. I stick by that. 

     “Do I think he’s nice? Sure. But sometimes, I don’t think he’s right for you,” my most honest friend told me. “It doesn’t matter,” I would respond like a brilliant idiot. For a while, (after and before Lawrence) I was wrapped up in something I should have never been involved in in the first place. Lawrence decided to give me “space” when I moved to Brooklyn, and I decided to let him do what his heart desired. See, I’ve always had this opinion (which I still stick by) that no matter what a person does to me, I won’t give up on them first. It’s what gets me hurt, but it’s what gives me pride when I look myself in the eye.  I refuse to do anyone dirty. “Want to come with me to Miami,?” Lawrence texted me randomly, just as I told the last guy to “take [his] space and keep it.” I’m a firm believer in that people should treat me like they want me, and when I’m told blatantly that I’m not wanted, I go about my way the first  time you tell me. Sometimes it requires teaching, but when a person doesn’t learn, it’s not that they can’t learn, it’s that they don’t want to. Every person is different, and we feel differently towards every person. Although I knew what I deserved, I put myself through the worst, thinking that that’s what I had to go through. But it wasn’t my battle to fight. Sometimes, you’ve got to let  the next chick (or the ex-chick) deal with the boy.

       Sometimes loving the wrong person is necessary, as long as you keep a positive attitude. When a person does you wrong, you have to leave sooner than you even think is possible. There are some people so empty, that they’ll involve themselves with you (or with anyone) just to feel some sort of love. I pitied the last guy I “dated.” I thought we’d be great, because I wanted to support him where I thought he was lacking support. I wanted to be there for him. After 4 months with absolutely no mention or hints beforehand –hanging out almost everyday — I found out he had a girlfriend. Surprise? I should have made a note of that, but I just thought she didn’t support him enough. Or he didn’t love her enough or… something. I just couldn’t figure out why that relationship was such a secret, so I made up my own (stupid) reasons. Right now, I’m mid-text with Lawrence because he thinks it would be “funny” if he shows up to my show this weekend. I told him to do what he wants, I don’t care who shows up. If that doesn’t hurt his feelings (he’s semi-sensitive like all men, but he’s used to my mouth) he’ll show up and be my #1 fan.  I hate asking people to do anything for me. The only way you can tell who is really on your side is who shows up to support you without you having to ask them to. I like to do that for my partner, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask for in return.

        Love is necessary, because it helps you sort out the fake people. I’m not gonna lie, I got cut right before Christmas and that’s what happens when you mess with broke dudes. (I try not to care, but money changes the way you act. Good or bad.) He showed back up after Valentine’s day (before his birthday) and if I were dumb, I’d have believed his reason for stopping by, but you don’t need to stop by anyone’s house at 2:30am to ask them about their website. I once played the fool for him, but I’ve never been a dumb broad. The one question I thought when I looked through my blinds was “Where does his girlfriend think he is?” So the first thing I did was tell mu boyfriend about the surprise visit. Just because he’s trifling, doesn’t mean I have to be. 

       We learn lessons too late, huh? I learned how trifling he was various times, but the night that stuck was when I went to this BS party and watched him flirt with some girl who stopped paying him attention when his open bar bracelet expired and his pockets wouldn’t stretch. I was dumb that day, too because I cared too much. I had gone to the bathroom and took off my wig (yea, I do that) only to have all of the girls ask me two questions: Why are you crying? And why do you wear a wig when your hair is so pretty? I didn’t tell them much, but they told me to go back out onto the dance floor and treat him like he was treating me. I decided not to and ended the night with all the fellas wanting to know who I was. Oh, the girl he had been trying to get? She left with two guys who told me that they had “bottles all night” if I wanted to join. And I’ll mention briefly about the time he thought I would be okay with him bringing his side (the other side, I suppose) to my house. Plainly put, I’ve quit smoking weed for various reasons. I’ve been giving people less reasons to interact with me, especially  with people who can barely afford to maintain their own vices.

         I always tell people to treat the world better than it treats you. I don’t regret having been good to someone who didn’t deserve me because when I’m with Lawrence, he gives me everything I was wishing the last guy would. He hasn’t bought me Louboutins in a very long time, but that’s fine because I buy myself Gucci. He shovels my car out when it snows. Puts groceries in the fridge before dinner time. He holds my hand so much, I sometimes get embarrassed for him when he talks about it getting warmer and wanting to walk through Times Square even though we both hate it. When we go out to dinner, we sit in a booth, and he always sits on the same side with me (just how I like it). He walks me to my train after work and kisses me on the forehead when we say goodbye. He carries my bags and takes stupid selfies with me. He holds my dog’s paws when she jumps on him and dances with her while I make breakfast. He holds me all night long and when I wake up beside him, I thank God for his life and mine. 

         I’m afraid of loving people for the wrong reasons. Of being taken advantage of. Of being unappreciated and taken for-granted. But you can’t avoid those things. I’ve stopped speaking to people who I thought were my friends because they take, take, take and never think to give. I never expect anything in return, but at some point, you’ve got to stop giving and love yourself. In love everything is reciprocated. If you want to be loved correctly, you have to learn to love correctly. If you’re taken advantage of well… you heard what happened to Jesus. People will do the worst to you just to see if you can take it, especially if you’re great. I always think about how the story will be told afterward. Will they be able to say I did something wrong to them? No.

So… Love hard. Fear nothing.     

 

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