Why Doesn’t he Call?

Every conversation has its time. On the same token, most conversation just shouldn’t take place. If you don’t know me personally, you might not know that my phone is off. Like… no phone calls. Like… I only instagram when I’ve got wifi. I like it because I can’t be on social media all the time. I also like it cuz… I ain’t worried about nobody.  And now I know  I never will.

     She ain’t got no man,” you might think, and you would be correct *shrugs* Seems to me people have certain expectations of what a relationship is… and to some people, its just to have someone to text/call/touch when you get bored or aren’t strong enough fight off your animal desires. To me, a relationship is more than that. There’s nothing you can do for me over that phone if it doesn’t set off an alert from my Chase account app that reads “a deposit has been made”. Not having a phone doesn’t mean I’m not contacted. I’m just a little tougher to get in contact with than the average female. The delay time between my messages is fairly serious, so the men/people I interact with need a great deal of patience…

           In the past month, I’ve gotten to know who really wants to speak to me. “You’re the first person I met who seriously, really does not have a phone,” he told me. Every once in a while, our dinner conversation will address how abnormal I am. I told him it’s because I was raised by a 22-year-old male. I’m not saying I know everything guys think, but guys are all I know & they tend to enjoy my company –I cook & have a decent jumper. Even more than that, they tend to be real with me which is why I can vibe with them almost immediately and for longer periods of time. I spent my childhood fixated on my older brother.  I know what he liked (3 ice cubes in his drink), what he didn’t like (losing in video games). What irritated him (heels in the house) and what made him laugh (singing country music). What disappointed him (missed free-throws) and what he looked forward to (me ironing his clothes before he went out, especially if I didn’t charge him 5 bucks -__-). 

         There used to be a particular breed of man. They still exist today, just in smaller numbers. These are men raised by men. Men who understood the world by a particular distinction between themselves and women. This isn’t meant to be a gay-bashing post (love who you love) but even in same-sex relationships, there are roles: Manly men are on top. “Imagine me bringing my man home some pastel sweat-shorts,” I couldn’t help but the bust out laughing as I pictured Easter-egg anything with a matching Kangol. But I grew up in the 90s. My brother created the 90s. Baggy jeans and XL tall tees reigned supreme. This was the most homophobic era of Hip-Hop but it was the era of least confusion. “Are you warm or are you cold?” she kept it coming and I had to agree. I don’t want to see my man anything that looks like it should be in my closet. Except hats. And scarves. I’ll steal those ASAP. I just want to know who the man is… Still, I understand attire says nothing about a man, but i do believe they think differently from women. Just like Black people and White people think differently from eachother *shrugs* it’s not a matter of intelligence, rather a combination of your experiences and they ways you’re expected to respond to them. The experiences of our real lives, combined what what people think of us  (both expectations and limitations), shape they way our minds understand the world. Men have a different experience than women… I mean… how would yall feel if you bled for no reason every month? Wouldn’t you be pissed off? & Ladies, if your Achilles heel was sitting right there between your legs, wouldn’t you feel vulnerable? There ain’t no particular way to take me out.  lol, but that’s how I feel.

       Females have always been females, the only difference is, girls used to grow up and become women. Stop chasing. Think back to middle school and the girls who sat at the boys table. Back in my day, there weren’t too many lesbians in middle school. Today might be different. There were only two reasons for a girl to be at the boys table: she was dating/messing/whatever you wanna call it one of the boys, or she’d been invited due to what was going on. I dated a boy named Jonathan when I was in the 8th grade, for a month. He always wanted me to sit with him, it was awkward for me though I reemeber knowing then that I didn’t need to be in somebody’s face. In child-like relationships, people confuse love for owenership. That’s my girlfriend/boyfriend and they’ll go to extremes to both showcase and maintain you. N*ggas will show you off like a new pair of Jays.. & die defending them in some places. The only other time I’d go over to the table was when the boys were rhyming or something funny was going on… or I wanted to trade my lunch for a dollar so I could buy a cookie. Any other time, I minded my business –and the boys love that. 

        Know your place. It’s much more uncomfortable for guys to participate in female conversations because either they don’t understand, they’re afraid to disagree, they don’t want to offend you if they like you, they think we’re always right (or at least that we think we do), or they’re afraid it’s too gay to participate. Honestly, most female conversation is consumed by talking about guys: either liking one in particular or disliking them all together. Chicks tho, will put in their two cents whenever they can. Take sports, for example. I learned to watch sports quietly and let whoever is better comment more. I also watched with my brother and whenever my mom would walk in the room he’d grumble real loud and throw his head back in agitation. & when she stepped in front of the TV, he almost went insane. During movies, he’d give the “If you guys are gonna talk…” and then we’d laugh before quieting down. A man does just want you to sit there. And look pretty. It’s not that you shouldn’t have anything to say, but sometimes… he wants to run things. & it’s not that you should always be dressed up, but he wants you to be beautiful (in his eyes, no make-up). He wants to be the king and if you want him to act like it, you should let him be king. Never fear, as long as you are a better woman you can put him in line if ever he steps over, but when you do so, do so like a queen. Retreat to your private quarters and address the matter. Allow the king to say his piece and let him know, respectfully, where he might have gone wrong –how he might have made himself look to the people –and perhaps how he’s made his queen look. The real purpose of having a queen is that she is the only person who has real quality time with the king. She’s also the only one who can truly appeal to him on a personal level. She’s the only one who has true access to him.

         Don’t abuse your power. If he loves you, when you call, he’ll answer. If he’s not answering, there’s a reason. He’s probably busy. Maybe he’s with his friends and yes, when’s with his friends busy, he’s busy enjoying himself. He’s probably making jokes. Reminiscing. Toasting. Roasting. What if there are girls there? So the f*ck what? So if there are guys where you are, what are you doing? Remember be better. If you’re swayed by the presence of the opposite sex, and so is he, you guys shouldn’t be mad. You should probably just talk about it and find a happy medium since you have that in common. You grab the doorman & he’ll do the waitress. You shouldn’t be worried about what your man is doing so if you are you might need to let that fool go. Either that, or clean up your own act. If you can’t trust him, why are you with him?  You don’t know if he’s cheating. Asking your friend (who’s just forgiven her boyfriend for cheating) won’t help you. Accusing him does nothing but cause an argument and showcase your insecurity. Are you going to trip out every time he misses a call? Because that’s stressful. Ok. Maybe there’s a reason you trip out… but if you keep tripping & he keeps giving you reasons & if you’re always stressed… why do you stay at it?

          He loves me, says the dummy. No one who loves you causes you stress. No one who loves you makes you worry. As I said in my last post, “On Staying Faithful,” loving your man/husband is like loving God. It’s not easy, but you love him without falter even through the toughest of times. Your fear and doubt just show your lack of faith in Him. It’s why Eve was made for Adam. That’s why we give our complete selves to our partners; we find our purpose in love.  You are a part of him and all that he needs to be complete. But you are only a part of him. He has a whole life outside of you, and you should have one outside of him. “You text me while I’m at work, but I’m working. & then it’s like… if I’m not at work, I should either be on the phone with you or on my way to see you.” I felt bad for him, but I understood. When a woman falls in lust (It’s rarely love. Love is reciprocated. If you’re questioning, that’s lust) she automatically marries the sucker in her head. She’s so ready to be consumed by him that she ends up getting him for everything he’s got –sometimes it’s money, sometimes it’s love. Sometimes you’re on that man’s back so much, he has to prove that he loves you. And if he feels like it’s never enough to satisfy your desires, he deems himself not enough –you’ve worn him out. Give him a break. You can’t completely ignore him but you’ve got to be a little bit of a chase at least. Remember the benefits of Making Yourself  Inaccessible because The Men who Like you are a Mess. You don’t have to always be there (babysitting), you just need to be there when he needs you. & if you love him, the key is to support what he loves as if you love it yourself. This method goes from his hobbies to how he loves his family. His hobby is your hobby. His mother is your mother. 

       The best method is to take your time. We’re all adults so you can save your bedroom debates for however your heart feels personally, but (as an older, wiser me) I would recommend holding that off, too. Forever is a long time. If you’re irritating him already, he’s afraid it’s going to stay that way. If the irritation grows, he’s just worried it’s going to get worse. We all talk about how we want our significant others to be our best friends, but we don’t treat them like friends. Friends give each other space. Friends give each other time. They give each other space. They also don’t sleep with each other *shrugs*  Girls tend to treat their female friends like girlfriends with I love you’s and all that, but I think men do “friends” better. I don’t want random hellos. I don’t want my time wasted. You might send your man a “Hello :)” for no reason, but I don’t need that from my friends. I don’t like good morning texts from strange men & I kind of don’t like good morning texts at all anymore. People get so hype getting a good morning text from someone who slept elsewhere. When we move in together, that’s why you can roll over and say good morning & I’ll say it back silently 😉

        Your relationship should be real life, not text-based. Some people sit and chat all day on text message but have nothing to say in person. You sit and kiss ass reply after reply. It’s easier to pretend you like someone over text. Get that person in public and see how they act. You can’t tell if a guy holds the door open for you via text message and *drapes coat over your shoulder* isn’t the same thing as in real life. Just wait until you see him. If you love someone, it’s so much better to be by their side. Text messaging becomes a bore unless you’re saying “I’m coming over,” or “Be ready by 10.” And if someone has a phone to their face all the time for you, what are they really doing. Get a job. Or a hobby. Only children have that much free time. When I come home from work, I want to relax. As a grown ass woman, I want someone to relax with. I don’t need conversation for the rest of my life. I really just wish you’d “Just Shut the Fuck Up Sometimes” — that will get you your man. As much as you need someone to hold a conversation with, you need someone who can just be… and  who’ll listen when you need them too. Men need that just as much as we do, in that we are no different. They might actually need it more. Men are a quieter crowd. They get loud on drunken nights, but groups of guys don’t really sit and talk about their emotions. You can only imagine how much your man has built up inside him. The trick to knowing his secrets isn’t to pry and ask and say, “I’m a good listener.” The key is to actually be  a good listener. Take your time. Earn his trust. Be his friend. Some people just want to know your secrets… some people want to know you. Allow him his space and encourage him to respect yours.

        People don’t know how to act anymore. We’re so confused on how to act with one another that friends treat each other like they’re dating –calling for no reason and “checking in” –and people who are dating speak to their friends about their relationships instead speaking with the person they are in a relationship with. I’m not saying I’m 1000% right… everyone feels differently unless they’re a match made in heaven. If you’re having an issue with a person, speak to them directly. (Using the King & Queen techniques I outline earlier.) You can’t possibly think you can fix a situation without informing the other person. You can’t ask someone else how your man feels. Ask him. The biggest mistake women make is asking other women for advice. If that h*e knows all the tricks, she might be able to keep your man better than you can & you might be giving her reasons to think about it. You need to be you and that is how you get your man. If you’re a talker, go ahead and be a talker… you’ll find a man who loves you for that, but he’s not going to deny it’s annoying, he just doesn’t mind it because it’s you. If he minds… he’s not the one for you and it really is that simple. *shrugs*

        You’ve got to be yourself from the very beginning, keeping in mind that’s how your relationship will be. I don’t like anything that doesn’t last forever. I don’t like good morning texts because they stop. I hate the beginning of relationships when people are so all over each other and then they get tired of having to do extra. In my opinion, if you’re not going to do it forever from here on out, don’t do it at all. That’s how the dating and the flowers and all that stop. If your with someone every day and you text them every hour on the hour, you’ll notice when it changes. And things shouldn’t change. If they do change, it should be for the better. So start him off slow. Get yourself a good pace and allow room for growth. If you want this to last forever, you’ve got to act accordingly. Spread out what you’ve got to give. Make it last forever.

        If it’s right, you’ve won the gold by simply being you. If he doesn’t appreciate you, there’s no excuse, he simply doesn’t & you have to admit that to yourself and  find someone who does. You don’t need to worry or check in or wonder if he’s thinking about you. Simply because he’s found you, you have no need to worry. He doesn’t want anyone else. Sometimes he can’t pick up the phone; don’t trip. Send him a text message (just one) and he’ll get to it as soon as he can. If he delays, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, that means… it’s just the way life is sometimes. Delays happen –and they should. Take your time when you’re liking a guy, cuz if he feels like your feelings are too intense, it’s pimp or die. & it’s actually the same for women. Soon you’ll understand.

oh… & the music he vibes with most, is what he vibes with most. 

So if it’s b*tches and h*es, that’s real.*shrugs*

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